My Circus, My Monkeys

So, today marks the last day of school for their first week back to school.  And let me tell you. 

 Overall, this has been the hardest thing I have been through yet.  

I think we all have a certain frame of mind as we mature and grow.  One that is taught to us by the homes we grow up in and the society of which we are apart.  There comes a point in life where we learn to question.  Not for the sake of questioning, to become a thorn in others lives and society but for the sake of bettering ourselves and understanding for ourselves the truths we have come to understand on a personal basis.  Everyone is an individual and can think and act for themselves.  What might be right for one person might not be right for another.  

This questioning, and hopefully new found education can lead to great changes.  As we prayerfully ponder those things that might be troubling to us we might encounter a paradigm shift.  These thoughts open up our hearts to understand things differently, to see the world differently.  This happened to me just over a year ago, as a parent concerned for the welfare of her children.   

In the Family: A Proclamation to the World it says, "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.".  I'm kinda dorky and really enjoy looking up the definition of words that we use all the time.  For some reason, it helps open my mind, and gives me a better understanding of the true definition of the word.  So, the word Nurture isn't just a word that means to comfort when someone is sick, or hurt.  That is kind of what I have always defined it as.  So when I looked it up, I loved the new understanding I had!  It's definition reads, " The process of caring for and encouraging the growth or development of someone or something.".  That changes things doesn't it!  Well it does for me.

When I saw my child struggling with certain aspects of their life regarding education and self worth, I knew that their environment had to change.  It was such a hard thing for me to even begin to consider as the thought of homeschooling kept running through my head.  Day and night.  I fought it for a long time!  It isn't was normal, well adjusted people do! Right?  Right? That is what I always though anyway, Well I was wrong.  As I started reading and researching I felt stronger and stronger that homeschooling is what I needed to do for my children.  I fought it and fought it.  Once I gave into the promptings, I even fought it still, telling myself it would be just for the upcoming school year.  As the mother of my children I have the divine stewardship to understand what is best for them by help and guidance from my Father in Heaven, He ultimately knows what is best for them.  It is my responsibility to care for and  encourage their growth!  They just weren't growing in  a positive way in the environment they were in. 

My paradigm about tradition education changed.  I changed, and because of that, I truly feel that my children changed.  I had a lot of support from my family when I made this decision.  Sure there were a few concerned thoughts from some who hadn't quite had the change of mind and heart  that I had.  They hadn't yet seen what I could see.  Martin was one of them!  He was a hard one to convince at first.  Ultimately, and I know this isn't ideal, I just told him that this is what I was going to do.  After a few months he started to see the light and began to be passionate about it as well.  he took over science and art with the kids and they thrived, being taught by Mom and Dad!

So when this move to Virginia came up, I had a completely open mind.  I am not a hater of public school, I am not someone who thinks that there is only one way to do anything.  I was hoping to find a great neighborhood with kids out riding bikes and friends to play with.  The home we found however, was nothing close.  Secluded by trees, (which is also a great thing) just wasn't everything my children needed.  They were craving friends and kids to imagine with, play with and people their age to laugh with.  So we took a big step and enrolled them back in public school.  I felt pretty good about it.  Considering we knew no one, let alone anyone who homeschooled, as well as the fact that baby girl was arriving in a few short months.  The thought of balancing school, kids and a new baby was a little overwhelming without a huge support system like I had back in Bountiful.  It seemed right to send them.

But then school started.  It ripped me apart sending my kids outside of my home for almost 9 hours a day!  (The bus ride alone is over 45 min, one way).  I had redefined my role as mother, educator, teacher of all things!  It felt RIGHT to be the one to do all this for them.  It was rewarding watching them as they developed.  It fulfilled my divine right to be the one in charge of them, spiritually, physically, mentally.  To be their guide and mentor and their safe place!  I learned, I grew and I loved it, hopefully as much as they did.  The weeks and days leading up to school, they all protested to stay home, to learn from home.  Again, we felt like this was the right thing for us to do.  

This week has been hard on all of us.  A huge adjustment.  I have felt like my purpose was ripped away from me and given to some stranger who just knows my child as a number in their class.  I am fully aware that that will change, and they will begin to know my child and recognize their worth, but no one will ever know my children like I do.  When they first got on the bus that first day, my heart broke into pieces.  "Just give them back to me please!  Just give me back pieces!  I just want to be OK".  It just wasn't right.  When they got home, I had no clue what they had all done all day.  I don't know how many of you know this, but children aren't great with details, or understanding logical truth as an adult might see it. They seem to exaggerate and dramatize, while leaving out the 95% other great things that happened that day.  I hated all the negativity and frustration coming out of their mouths.  I just wanted to know that they were OK.  That this is what was right for them, even if it didn't feel right for me. 

  
 Before they went to school that first day, we were all pulling our hair, and quite frankly eachothers hair out!  We needed something to be apart of, to do, to focus on other than our grove of trees and the walls that surrounded us.  We needed to see the world, see our community and be with people! Instead we felt like we were a cage of monkeys, all going a crazy!  However, this week I realized, that this is my circus, and they are my monkeys, and I am ok with that.  Sure it feels great to clean bathrooms and rooms and make beds, and lunches and dinner with little to no recurring mess.  At first it was refreshing because that is what I always yearn for as my circus monkeys destroy and wreak havoc behind me, wherever I go, constantly.  This week, I realized that I hate having a clean, quiet house.  Especially when my oldest is only 8.  They are far too young to be out in the world like this, for this long.  Sitting at a desk, with one recess a day.  They are young and I feel that the best place for the to learn is in our home environment.  I feel that it is the best place for them.  

First day of school.  She couldn't resist getting outside to enjoy the morning sunlight.

When I look at the gospel and quite frankly history, it was the home where the greatest things happened, where many of the greatest minds and inventors came from!  Thomas Jefferson is an example.  I feel that there is something wrong with a society who thinks that sending its children to an institution for over 8 hours a day is what is best for it's children as a whole. Please forgive my bluntness, but it is how I feel and I stand to it.  Our children need their families, they need their support, their love and their comfort.  It's not coddling, it's loving.  It's not OVER protecting, it's creating a safe place for them to learn and explore. I saw a confidence in each one of my children grow as they knew they were safe, and trusted that they could take risks beyond my care. They know that there was a safety net of love and support surrounding them that allowed them to take steps farther and farther away. As parents it is our job to raise independent children, ready to contribute to a society in a way that will be uplifting and beneficial for all.  We are to teach them to be kind, and forgiving. 

So I know that I am writing a totally PRO homeschooling article here, while sending my children to public school.  Seems contradictory, and it is in a way.  So I will put in my good word here.  It might be short, but it's true too.  I know that the world is generally a good place full of great people who want to make it better.  Teachers are selfless people who love what they do.  They are making a difference in the lives of these children.  In public schools great things happen and great people come from them as well.  Like I said before, I am not someone who feels that there is one right way to do something.  so I know that sending a child to school is not evil.  I'm doing it.  I just have seen the light of another way and it was good.  It was so good.  I encourage open mindedness is all.

Anyway, all I can do is keep breathing and find new ways to teach and learn and be patient as this newness settles in.  I know this is temporary, and even if it isn't, I need to trust in my understanding of the spirit, and how it directs me for my childrens well being.  And right now, as much as I hate it, I think that this is right.  I need to trust that we received the right revelation for our family for this period in our life.  Things will turn out ok.  

I know I need to give it time, and I will.  I do feel that this is something that they need to understand and learn as well.  I have a short 2 hours with them at the end of the day.  TWO HOURS!  They are tired, and grumpy.  They are worn out and sometimes frustrated because they don't know how to communicate everything yet.  That is a horrible feeling.  We are all learning.  I guess I need to look at it this way.  We are still homeschooling.  We are all still learning at home, together, this time it is how to deal with change, and things that don't seem right or fair, and how to fix that.  I want the best for my kids.  So, all I can do is keep breathing.  keep trying.  I will hold onto all the "I love you's" from Carlee as she turns and looks at me as she steps on that stupid yellow bus.  All the night time snuggles and the pieces of their lives they to choose to, and can understand how to share with me.  All the smiles and excitement they still have.  I will always cherish the beauty and innocence of youth.  I will love the light in their eyes regardless if I see it all day long or for a short 2-3 hours a day.  They are my children and I love them.  I will still love watching them grow and learn and play...just from a different seat this year. 

Cameron Just had to be apart of Action.  Walking to the bus down the driveway.

Getting to know you, Virginia!

Well Geesh, Virginia is absolutely beautiful!!!  Before we moved I had just about EVERYONE tell me how gorgeous it was out here, that I would "never want to come back"...and I just shrugged each one of them off.  What could be more beautiful than the Rocky Mountains? But let me just say how right they all were!  Maybe not to the point of not wanting to come home ever, but this place is to die for!  There is beauty all around  (when there is "love at home", give me a break, I couldn't resist)!  At each turn there is something new that seems to take our breath away.  I know we have been here for less than a month, and the first few weeks we felt so secluded in our new place.  We felt like we could be the Ingalls family living out on our own, but instead of living on the prairie, we lived in the forest surrounded by bugs and lots and lots and lots of green bushes, grass, trees, shrubs and moss.  Come to find out that the hospital is less than a mile away.  The freeway entrance is just beyond that, and Martins school is 2 miles away.  It's crazy how putting a million trees around you makes you feel so secluded.  We really love it.

On the drive across the country audrie contracted pink eye...I think in Nauvoo, which she then so lovingly shared with the rest of our family, over and over and over again.  For the first 2 weeks after arriving we all took our turns feeling lousy.  After the pink eye seemed to dissipate, we decided we couldn't be done with our sickness!  So we decided to share bronchitis.  Thankfully, Martin was so blessed the entire time to stay healthy and strong!  Such a blessing as he was in his first two weeks of school.  (Which, he is killing it by the way.  He really loves being a student and is fascinated with everything he is learning. We are very proud of him and his hard work!)  Needless to say, cabin fever set in and after too long we didn't care, we needed to get out!

We miraculously knew a family in our ward from our days in Logan.  It is nuts how many times our paths have crossed.  It has been awesome having someone to show us the ropes around town.  She has been our connection to get to know parks and swimming holes.  I am so thankful to be apart of a church that, wherever you go, people are there for you, making it feel more like home.  She invited us to swim at "The Frog Pond" the outdoor swimming pool.

 It was great.  Not only because we were making friends, but because we were finally OUT!  The weather is perfect.  Not too hot, not cold and the sun still shines.  I haven't quite figured out the humidity yet though.  It is  a tricky thing.  You see, I never put sunscreen on myself or the kids back home (with Cameron as the exception)...maybe if we are out in the sun all day long I'd slap on a bit somewhere in the middle.  Remember when you were a kid and you started fires with magnifying glasses? or you would burn ants? or melt plastic figurines?  Well, I think that these tiny water droplets in the air they like to call humidity acts as if they are tiny tiny tiny magnifying glasses.  My heck!  We were out for 3 hours maybe, and I. was. crispy.  I put sunscreen on the kids and they were crispy... We all recovered quickly from that and learned our lesson well.  The fun family that invited us have kids the same ages as my three youngest so they had a fun time getting to know them,but Audrie didn't really have anyone to play with.  I didn't see her for a while at one point, so I walked around, I look over and there she is playing catch with 2 nice looking kids.  She made friends all on her own!  They played the entire time we were there. When it was time for us to go they both ran up with big smiles and asked if we had to go.  When we got in the car Audrie said how she wished she asked them to come to our house to play.  When I asked their names or ages, she just didn't know!  She misses having friends the most I think.  We talked about how to make friends and what questions were important, like, where are you going to school, how old are you or WHAT'S YOUR NAME?  So she learned her lesson there.

Later that week Martin had had enough studying and decided to take us to Cascade Falls, I was feeling like crap.  The third trimester had officially set in, my cabin fever was raging and a fit of, "I need to sleep all this off" had hit hard.  Martin took the reins and packed and loaded the kids in the car, came to say goodbye and that he hoped I got some good rest.  As I lay there, thankful for such a man, I felt so sad to miss the first exploration as a family in our new place.  I groggily rolled off my bed and waddled to the car.  (I know, I am already waddling.  Come on, this if #5!  My body needs super glue.)  I am so glad I did.  The hike was amazing.  To get to the falls, there are two paths.  A rocky one which follows the river, with lots of ups and downs and gorgeous views of pools and forest.  My quads were burning for the first time in TOO long. Carlee only complained about 3/4ths of the time, but did it all herself after the bribe of ice cream when we were finished.

Andrue caught bugs the entire way, including the biggest millipede I have ever seen!  His goal, a big yellow butterfly.

And Audrie, of coarse, blazed the way.  Throughout the hike I was just in awe at all the beauty.  How things grew so easily.  I looked down, the perfectly placed rocks were green with moss and lichens, I looked up and the trunks of the tallest trees ever were green with moss and vines, and I would look even farther up and the sky was green with translucent leaves, with only spots of blue poking through here and there! Just so beautiful.  It was about a 2 mile hike to the falls and at mile 1.9 they were all starting to drag a little.  We stopped to take a rest and for some reason, I was the first to get up and lead the way, so strange with my burning varicose veins and achy stomach, but the kids were spent, tired and a little edgy. They were wondering if we were ever going to make it.  I took maybe 10 steps, rounded a corner and there were the falls.  It was amazing!  I yelled back at them and I have never seen them so excited in a LONG time.  They suddenly had overflowing energy as they raced the last bit of the way.  Instantly, they stripped down to their suits and enjoyed the cold, cool water and mist of the falls.  I could hardly collect their strewn clothes and shoes when Audrie and Andrue had made a friend (she took my advice and was super friendly to this kid who was playing with his Mom, even asked his name).  The kids mom asked if they could walk over to the falls with them as I finished helping Martin with Cameron and Carlee.  Soon I see Audrie jumping in off a rock with this kid into the pool at the bottom of the falls.

 It all seemed so surreal.  I raced over and we chatted and visited with this family.  She was super nice and friendly, with a thick Georgia accent.   I would love to pick that up while I am here!  It's going on my list of goals.  Martin jumped in with Andrue, and everyone swam around for a bit.  So refreshing.  We finally had to go, Audrie was a shivering ice cube. so we decided to take the upper path that was groomed for maintenance, probably.  It was much easier than the path we took to get to the falls.  The nice family we met caught up to us and we visited the entire way to the cars.  We exchanged numbers and everything, all while Andrue had his dreams come true with a big yellow butterfly in his net!  When I was helping Audrie get into the car she said, "I knew it would work", I responded, "what would work?"  and ya know what she said..."My prayer, I prayed to make a friend."  That girl.  It only took 2 more days before they were playing at our house building a teepee in the trees out back together.

On wednesday A few ladies in the ward send out an email saying they were going to the beach at Claytor Lake if anyone wanted to join.  So I left Martin home studying for a test and drove the short thirty minutes to the beach.  Only it took me an hour and thirty minutes because my gps took me to the wrong side of the lake and I couldn't figure out how to get across.  They call it a lake, but it is really just a huge river.  Eventually I get there, and realize I don't know who these people were who invited everyone in the ward.  I was hoping I would recognize a face from church.  I didn't.  So we ploped down and the kids start having a blast!

 The sand was magical, like the white sand in mexico!  I think it was imported. ;) Eventually a lady comes walking down and tells me she knows my kids from primary!  So thankfully we got to know 4 other moms in the ward!  We sat and visited while all the kids played.  It was nice.  When what to my wandering eyes should appear?  Audrie, playing with the same 2 boys from Frog Pond.  No joke.  She had her second chance.  Soon everyone from the ward began to leave, but I decided to stay, mostly because it was beautiful, and I love the beach.  The kids were happy, we had food and Martin really needed some time to study without interruption.  He could have gone to the library, but I think it's nice if he can study from the comforts of home.  Soon, I figure out who the boys belong to, but before I could get to her, she walked over and introduced herself to me!  The boys were her 2 oldest of 5.  Yeah!  I am not alone!  I was impressed.  We soon find out that they all were going to the same school.  Seriously?  How great is that?  We stayed until 4pm, where we got to know them all very well.  We talked about what we making for dinner and even shared recipes. I am not kidding.  It was hilarious.

When it was time to go the kids all were excited they would see each other the next night at Back to School!  So much fun.  As much as I don't like saying goodbye to my friends and family, and as much as I really don't like being the new kid in town, this has been a great transition.

So you heard right, I said back to school night.  We did decide to put the kids in school.  It was a hard decision to make, but we feel like it is the right one.  After going to back to school night, our feelings were confirmed.  Each child has an amazing teacher.  We had a great feeling as we walked the halls.  The kids were timid and a little hesitant.  I think mostly because of the lingering unknown of school AND riding the bus there.  The family that we met at the beach also has a girl Andrues age and she is in his class!  Audrie's friend was not, but is in the class across the hall.  No one from our ward goes to this school, so I was happy that they had some familiar faces to see!  Once we got home Audrie wondered aloud, "why did we get all the nice teachers?".  Nothing could be better!

Needless to say we are overwhelmed with gratitude as things just seem to be falling into place day after day.  Sure we have our rough patches of moodiness, crankiness and  plain old "I hate being the new kid".  Overall we can easily see the hand of the Lord continue in our journey here.  We are indeed grateful.