Throughout my life I have moved around. Bountiful to Vegas, Susanville to Logan, Driggs back to Vegas then back to Bountiful again. With each move I have returned to one place, one constant place, weather it was a vacation, or just stopping by, it was the place that felt like home the most. The sweet smell of the air, the security of something good to eat, the crisp canyon afternoon breezes, the feeling of safety and peace, it all remained constant. I was so lucky to have this place be my home base, a place of solitude, a place of safety, a place where I lived, and felt more loved and respected than any other place in the world! That safe haven was Grandma Grace. After moving to Virginia, the thought about being able to return to see her sometime was a comforting thought. About mid year we worked it out, where we would be headed west to build an addition onto the deck here at Bear Lake. We were all so excited, but for most of us, we were mostly excited about "going home" to see Grandma Grace again. To me, she was home. She was my constant. My constant phone call, my constant support, my constant safe place. Just three weeks before we were scheduled to make the cross country drive, we learned that my grandmother was sick again. Being so far away I wasn't fully as aware of her condition. I should have known though, because if she was sick with a cold or something, she loved to talk about it. For a few weeks in our conversations she was very positive, and talked of nothing but pleasant things.
We lived with her for three years before we moved. My children grew to love her, just as much as I did. In one of our last conversations she threatened to make a road block so that we couldn't make it to Bear Lake and have to stay there in Bountiful with her. I think at that point I said something stupid like, "well we don't even come through that way!" Looking back, she was probably feeling quite sick, and knew she wouldn't be around for long. I know we were all homesick for her, and perhaps she was a little homesick for us. I just assumed we would get to Bear Lake, settle in and head down to see her as soon as we rested for a bit. My comment makes me sad. If I knew that we would have missed saying goodbye in person by two days, I would have done anything I could have in order to be there. To let her give us all one more of her epic hugs and kisses on repeat. She was the most loving person I have ever known.
About three weeks before we were to head west, we learned that she was in the hospital and she was refusing to be treated. She had been sick a few times with this particular illness before and it was a miserable rehabilitation. She was done, she was ready to return home. She was ready to be with my grandpa again, ready to be with her parents, siblings and friends who had already passed on. She was ready.
We Skyped. Still I wasn't as aware as I should have been, I still had hope that she would be there when we arrived. It was probably just me and my denial that our earthly relationship would ever come to an end. For 32 years she was there for me! I wasn't sure I was ready to let go. As we let the kids skype and visit with her, I listened for the last time as she would shower us with praises and positive compliments. Making us feel like we were the most important people on the planet, the most loved, the most talented and the best people around. She wasn't even predigest (Something she would always say after she talked about any number of her posterity with an almost worshiping tone)! She made us feel like the world was a better place because we were there. I couldn't get it together as she made sure that we knew, without a question, that she loved us. I think she had some insane fear that we would forget that she loved us. I say insane because, with her, it wasn't just words spoken from her death bed. It was a life time of action, there is no way we will ever forget. Growing up, she was at every sporting event (with my grandpa) that she could be at. Cheering me on, loudly. Family meant everything to them, they spent her lifetime proving that. We couldn't do anything without being praised for it. After moving to Las Vegas, I was involved in a competition at Disney Land that, for some reason my parents couldn't be there for. She showed up with my grandpa to be my support and escorts. I remember them taking me out out to dinner one night after the competition, walking down the warm, sweet smelling California streets, I loved that they were there with me, because of them I felt like I could accomplish what I had come to do. Although it scared me to death and was a huge step out of my comfort zone (In the end, I didn't even place, but they made me feel as if I won the grand prize). They saw me in ways I never saw myself. They didn't make a big deal about it either. I was free to be just who I was, and who I was, was practically perfect in every way, mistakes and shortcomings and all. I know that she saw me how my Father in Heaven sees me.
As I sat there on my floor, 2000 miles away, the last talk we had together, I listened to her thank us for all the joy we brought her. She even have the audacity to ask for forgiveness for anything she might have ever done to hurt or offend us. All I could verbalize was, how I hope she knew how much we loved her too. I couldn't even say that I was sorry for all the times I acted like a selfish kid, or to thank her for always being my constant. Somehow I know in her mind it was all apart of this life process and she held no guile. I had never seen her more emotional in all my life. Grandma Grace didn't have working tear ducts, so she never cried. With tears that is. But even still, she was usually pretty solid in her feelings. She laughed a lot, and shared feelings with confidence. She was in control of her emotions. But as we were saying goodbye her voice was shaky. I could sense the reality of her feelings, the reality of the fact that she knew this was the end of her earthly journey. The reality that she knew, she was finally going home.
This got me thinking about how intimidated, yet brave she must have been in those final moments. So brave, event through the faith when we are raised in the church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints, that we existed before we came to this life, and we will live after this life. This knowledge that family is eternal, and that we are connected through sealing power. It is one thing to believe that it is true and another to look death in the face, and really ask yourself the question one last time if you still truly believe it and trust with no solid evidence that it is, in fact true. If you do solidify your faith in that truth, how wonderful death will be! How truly joyous! If you don't, how awful, painful and depressing, it would feel as if you were looking at a future in hell. We spend a lifetime building relationships, working together, loving one another, feeling pain and joy with those we love. If all that was for nothing, to come to the end of your life, and realize it is exactly that...an end, with no loved ones to spend any more time with? no hope for anything more? Why live, work and love with those around us, why even care? Why search for happiness, why work so hard for it?
But there she lay, facing this end, bravely looking into the future of her eternal progression, and in my opinion, with unwavering faith. She knew that everything we have lived for is true. She knew that Jesus Christ lives and died for her, so that she could be with her family forever. She knew it. With out a doubt. She yearned for her family to know of the amazing hope and peace that comes from the truth, her unwavering faith spoke of. And in the very final moments of her life, I felt it more strongly than ever before, that it is all worth it. It is all true. I saw it in her, and I felt it after she passed and was welcomed into the eternities by my grandfather through a loving embrace, I am sure. I felt excitement for her, as I had a strong impression that she was already busy at work with those she loved. Happy and peaceful. She is there. The person I love so much still exists. And I am happy for her and where she is at. I miss her already, but for the first time ever, I have a new glimpse into the after life and I cannot wait to join her there, along with all my family and friends. I know we must endure to the end, remain faithful and live a life full of love and Grace.
That word, Grace, has new meaning for me. Grandma Grace was the most kind, loving person I have ever known. She was also the most forgiving, her love trumped all else. The best example in this life that I have of a Christlike person is my Grandma Grace. It is through the Grace of his love that we can be together forever. And it was my Grandma Grace that showed me that love, the tangible love. She is my example, I long to be like her.
She had this confidence in us that was amazing. It is like when a child learns to walk and after the skill is mastered, the parent has no need to encourage them along, or to help them stand back up after the fall. The skill has been mastered. I think my grandma was much the same way. Once she believed we were on the path we should be on, she stood by and let us live our life. She cheered for us, she prayed for us, and she was confident that we knew how to get back up after we fell. It was her confidence and encouraging that helped me get back up many times. There was a period in my young adult life that was trying and emotionally draining. I had some very hard decisions to make, and in many ways, I felt like I had let people down through the choices I made. I followed the promptings of the spirit and made hard decisions. She was right there, reassuring me that she was so proud of me. That she trusted me and she knew that I did what was right. She was right there for me. Praising me for my courage.
When we were older, and she was older, we would stop by to visit, and she always had something for us to do. Some service she would allow us to give her. A few days ago I was thinking about that. How serving her helped us love her. One thing we almost always did was vacuum. When I first started doing this for her, she would advise me to slow down, take my time and pay attention to my lines. If I did that, the carpet would get a better clean. It's funny, it has been over 20 years since then, and I haven't thought of it since, until the other day. But this time, it was as if she was encouraging me through my memories to evaluate my life. I needed to slow down. I needed to take my time, I needed to pay attention to my lines, so I could receive a better reward. What things were I giving more attention to that I shouldn't be? I needed to love more, I needed to feel more, I needed to focus on the things that matter most.
At her funeral I felt her there so strongly. She was very cognitive before she slipped into her coma and planned the entire thing. Every song, who was speaking. I even believe she wrote her own life sketch. From every song and every word, She was present. I had an undeniable impression, beginning with the viewing the night before, through the end of her funeral day, she was right there whispering in my ear, the words "it's about the children, care for the children, love the children, all of them." over and over again. I believe she was sharing who she was, with me. Giving me a glimpse of how she felt about her posterity. Even still, I have this renewed power to focus on what matters. To her, all of us grandchildren knew we were important. I know I am not the only one who would testify that, the power we got from her letting us know how important we were, kept us doing the things we knew were right. She gave us the gift of confidence.
When I was a very young girl her and my grandfather served missions all over the U.S. We loved getting the mail, we would wait and wait for her letters. Every day I would run out to the mailbox and grab the stack of letters, smelling each one. I didn't know how to read yet, but she always sent a stick of gum. Her letters always shared her love for what she was doing, the adventures they were having and her love for us. Then as a mom of my young kids, I found them doing the same. We were getting letters with gum in them in Virginia right up until the end.
It is these things that matter. I need to slow down, and refocus on how I am loving those around me. She loved her family and friends with all her heart. She gave them her all. Life with 5 kids has been interesting. On one had it has been a smooth transition, and on the other, I feel like I am about to be pushed of a cliff and I push back with all my might, determined not to plunge to the depths below! Probably because both are true. It is easy to get lost in the chaos, lost in the frustration. It's easy to get lost, it's easy to feel as if you are trying with all your might and you are still facing an uncertain death! You set your auto pilot, and go. Go through every day, the same routine, but now with less sleep. You go without much feeling. I suppose it is part of life to stop and evaluate after someone you love passes away. I am thankful for that.
We are home now, back after our summer away. It was a bit of a surprise when I got home, and I still had her last letter to us on our fridge. It felt a little like a punch in the stomach. I honestly think I was in denial that she would ever, really leave us. The last line of her letter, written in a different color as if to emphasize it, she said simply, "we will look forward to seeing you", During the time she wrote it she was living my my aunt and uncle, but now as I read the words, "we" I know it means my Grandpa too. I have had many days where I have reached for my phone to call her, to see how she is, only to remember she isn't on the other end. I then turn to prayer. So often have I felt her presence. Washing dishes at the sink, I felt her with me. During my "back to school blessing", I felt her, and was told she is was there with me, supporting me still. And even now as I type this, I know she is close, I feel her so strongly in my heart, reassuring me that, in fact she still loves me and is cheering me on. Supporting me and encouraging me to just keep trying. I am so thankful for the atonement and resurrection of Jesus Christ. For the Grace that He provides. I know I don't deserve it. My Grandma, showed me a bit of what that grace feels like. I am not sure we will ever be able to comprehend in this life how wonderful that Grace actually is...but through my grandma, I have felt a glimpse of it. And I am thankful beyond description. Ever day, I "look forward to seeing them again". I will always remember the things she taught me, but mostly, I will remember how important it is to love, support and encourage. I know she never will leave us now, as my heart swells with comfort daily when I think of her. The blessing of eternal families is far more wonderful than I can even comprehend in my mortal state. I am forever grateful and long to be worthy of that blessing forever.
